Stonewalling is not the same as traditional silent treatment, but they go hand in hand. Where there is one, there is also the other.
Silence treatment is usually very common in everyone's life. You've seen it with your family and your friends too.
It's usually not that destructive, and people use it when they're mad about something.
But the silence doesn't last forever, and in the end the person who is angry gives in and decides to talk about the problem. This brings us to the term “stonewalling”.
What is stonewalling?
It's the same as the silent treatment but when used by a toxic person then it's called stonewalling.
The slight but big difference is that the person blocking you is giving you the silent treatment on purpose.
She only does it to hurt and manipulate you. This person doesn't ignore you because they are angry and you hurt their feelings.
Stonewalling is just another method used by narcissists to destroy their victims.
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What does that look like exactly?
If you need to talk about something, a narcissist won't completely shut down and ignore you, but he will won't give you a real answer to your question.
He will mess with your mind by giving you vague and unacceptable answers.
This is terribly dangerous for any relationship. Even if it's not toxic, it definitely will after a while.
If one partner isn't interested in a conversation, the other partner who's asking the questions will get frustrated, and after that Demand answers.
Well, narcissists do this on purpose because the end result of this situation is growing anxiety and depression in the mind of the partner who needs answers but isn't getting them.
This partner feels like they're being screwed and being manipulated, but there's nothing he can do about it.
That's what narcissists are brilliant at. They can fool just about anyone.
Stonewalling in practice
Let's say you feel neglected by your partner. sgt.
Of course you want to talk to him about it. You want to confront him and try to figure out what the problem is.
But all you get is dead silence followed by a statement that you made a big deal out of it do.
He will convince you that you are making a big fuss out of nothing.
His tactic is to manipulate you and make you believe lies from which he benefits from.
Of course this bothers you and foolishly you fall into his trap and try to justify yourself but he doesn't want to hear it so he rejects you.
You feel sad and angry at the same time because you were tricked into thinking that you did something wrong, but you didn't.
He usually leaves the house at this point to add some guilt to the guilt you already have.
But the catch in his brainwashing tactics is his behavior, which he presents the day after. He acts like nothing happened.
He acts like you guys are the happiest couple alive.
If the subject comes back from when you are spoken to, he coldly replies that you have problems with yourself that you need to deal with.
What happened here?
He blocked you. He cut off the conversation before it could even take place.
He ignored your feelings and steered the conversation in the direction that suited him.
He made you tense and traumatized with his behavior.
In normal relationships, you feel uncomfortable. it could have ended very differently. You could have solved the problem if he agreed to talk about it.
Why do narcissists use stonewalling and the silent treatment?
Ignoring a narcissist is a very difficult thing. His manipulative tactics leave you no choice but to respond to his provocations.
That's actually his main goal – Getting a reaction from you, preferably a negative one, so he can feed his ego and feel good about himself.
Stonewalling and the silence treatment are his favorite methods of manipulation when he's punishing you for something want. You didn't act the way he wanted you to.
Maybe you came to your senses and sobered up for a moment.
That startled him. He has become afraid that when you realize that you deserve so much better, you will leave him and thus jeopardize the source of his narcissistic satisfaction.
You will not give him more, what he needs to keep going. So he has to punish and emotionally destroy you to keep you on a short leash.
His goal is to humiliate you and regain control over you. He wants to know what you're doing and why you're doing it.
He wants to make you invisible. He wants you to feel meaningless, like it doesn't matter if you live or die.
He plays with your mind to keep your confidence very low, making you easy to control.
What happened next is that you don't want to feel invisible anymore. You fight it, so you come back to him and ask for his permission and attention.
You demand to be visible again. It's been his plan all along – destroying you by stonewalling and getting him to ask him to notice you again.
Then you will be easy to control and then his peace will be restored.
When do narcissists use stonewalling and the silent treatment?
1. After a Breakup
If you've ever wondered how to take down a narcissist, just follow their lead, see what they do, and you'll have no problem create.
After a breakup, it's extremely difficult not to have contact with the person you were with.
This is especially true if you have been together for a long time or married and have children. The point is, cutting someone out of your life isn't easy.
But when talking about narcissists and their victims, cutting contact is extremely difficult for the victims.
They have been dependent on a narcissist for so long that they don't know how to live without them.
So they want to go back to something they are familiar with. This is exactly the moment when the narcissist makes their move and shuts them down.
He will completely ignore them and their calls, leaving their victims begging for his attention.
Usually, the narcissist comes back as a hero and proves that their version of the story was right all along, putting you in an awkward position.
He's even better at you now control than before.
2. Every day
When the satisfaction of their narcissistic needs runs short, a narcissist feels threatened. He feels vulnerable and afraid that someone will hurt him.
If we talk about empathy for others, they don't have it, but for themselves they have a lot lots of it.
If they are feeling narcissistic hurt, they will give you the silent treatment to hurt you because their satisfaction has been reduced.
You will have no idea what is going on. You'll ask him dozens of questions, and get short, vague answers that he won't really give you an answer to your question.
This will lead you to think it's your fault and that you did something wrong.
Your insecurities will get you, and if you show any reaction to his stonewalling, you're done.
He will corner you and take out his anger on you. He will make you feel guilty, small and meaningless.
He wants you to slowly fall apart emotionally and only depend on him. He will give you the silent treatment and leave the house.
Then you will try to call him and he will not answer and in the eyes of other people you will be the bad guy.
< p>You are the controlling bitch who won't leave him alone. You're the one who calls him non-stop and talks about ‘unimportant’ Things are arguing.
3. When you need him most
If something happens to you when you need his support most, he will be ice cold. He will ignore you and cut you out of his life completely.
You can go through hell and need someone by your side, but he will back off.
If you try to talk to him about it, he becomes even more withdrawn. He is distancing himself from you more than ever. But he won't stay silent for long.
He will blame you for neglecting him. He will attack you because you are depressed and can't see how he feels.
He will put himself first. And the truth is he's hurt, but not because you're sad – because you're not giving him the narcissistic satisfaction he needs.
You're not paying enough attention to him. So he needs a reaction from you, and he blocks you for a fresh dose of narcissistic gratification.
Psychological Consequences of Stonewalling and the Silent Treatment
It has been scientifically proven that emotional harm can cause actual physical pain.
You feel ill after the constant emotional neglect and trauma that a victim of a narcissist goes through.
Your emotional hurt is manifesting physically.
Stonewalling can even happen in normal relationships, but if it's chronic, if it lasts a long time, it can damage you.
Silence treatment can even cause a relationship to break down in normal relationships Better ones.
When partners need a break from each other, they will go through the silent treatment, but after a while they will talk and work out their problems.
But stonewalling in toxic relationships is only to delay the abuse and provoke intense emotional pain.
What should I do if I'm a stonewalled victim?
It's not your fault! Don't feel guilty. Don't choose your words carefully for fear you'll say something that will make him freak out.
Stop the egg dance! Stop trying to help him because it's all a trap.
He lures you in to get enough narcissistic gratification. He sucks you dry by provoking reactions and he will never change.
More importantly, he doesn't want to change. His communication with you is at a toxic level because he wants it that way.
He wants you to react. He wants you to feel emotionally drained.
His actions are carefully designed to make you feel small, to make you feel worthless.
Rather than trying to get him to notice you (which is what he wants) , Reflect on whether the relationship you are in really needs to be saved.
How many times has this happened to you? How many times has he pushed you out of his life and made you crawl back to him begging for his attention?
It happens over and over again, whenever he wants it.
How can you heal?
You must use the period of silence to take care of yourself to heal yourself. Think only of yourself and what you need.
Focus on making yourself better and not on making him happy.
The only way to do this to do is truly break free from a narcissist.
You may not be able to decide when to do it, but you will know when the time is right.
This will be the hardest decision you have ever made in your life.
Disconnecting from a narcissist will be an excruciatingly painful and lengthy process. You will want to go back. You will feel that you need him.
After so much emotional abuse, neglect, confusion and feeling worthless, it takes a lot of courage and strength to find to pick yourself up and keep common sense.
Remember, if you leave, it's not automatically over. A narcissist will try to get you back with their sucking tactics.
You won't be prepared for every trick they pull out of their sleeve. But the most important thing is never to let it get into your head again.
Remember that you deserve to have your needs met and your voice heard.
