I know; nor as I sat in my bathtubß and thought of you, of us. It had been four weeks since our last goodbye.
I thought it was the last time we were together.
I soon learned what a last goodbye really is – cold sweats, lumps in my stomach and lifeless staring at the bathroom ceiling.
I was living my very own dystopian nightmare. Nothing made sense anymore. I was a stranger to myself.
The war I declared on myself reduced me to rubble.
The only thing I had left were the huge stone walls. Empty and impregnable.
Unfortunately, it wasn't because of the pain of separation that the whole thing was a nightmare – no. I could only dream of such sweet pain.
It was a nightmare because you did everything to hurt me in any way you could.
You erased every trace of beauty in me just because out of sheer selfishness you thought you created that beauty in me.
She was never yours she was just mine And she was taken from me.
You have led me through every circle of hell. I had no idea what was happening to me.
I was so scared I believed every lie you told me ;hold.
You made me tell myself that I didn't deserve you, anyone, or my life.
I had pain; I felt like I teleported my soul wrong and lost parts of it in the process. It hurt.
I had never felt such pain before.
As if a part of me was missing and I couldn't do anything about it. I mourned something that wasn't even dead yet.
I didn't even know what that part was. All I knew was that I had been robbed of any chance of joy.
I couldn't even cry. I was so callous.
Then I became careless. I wanted to provoke the feeling. I wanted to release my pain, scream it out and let it go.
I wanted proof that my pain was real.
I wanted proof that it was real. r that my misery wasn't just an unhappy love story, a broken relationship, a painful breakup or a passing phase.
It was a loss of soul.
After you, I had to pick up my shards and glue them together with my memory of what I once was.
The pieces crumbled, kept falling off, and shattered into even tinier slivers, until the bitter truth hit me: I would never be who I was before.
This sudden realization hit me like lightning.
I wasn't who I thought I was and I never would be again. There was no rescue, no therapy to bring me back.
I was changed forever.
At first I was devastated.
The fear of having lost something forever washed over me and I couldn't make peace with myself.
I realized that I was this empty shell now.
I was full of fears I had never known before, full of new insecurities, and my beliefs changed too.
The new me didn't know what love was anymore.
She couldn't feel safe anywhere anymore. She longed to live her life in complete ignorance like everyone else.
She became skeptical and paranoid. She hated herself and her body.
Anytime anyone tried to have a serious relationship with her, she put up an ice cold wall.
joy and fun have been replaced by mindless drunken nights and meaningless friendships.
With love, with unwanted kisses and deleted numbers. Peace was alien to her.
I had no choice but to let her live and try to understand her.
After a long period of suffocating indifference, I decided , to make peace with my new self.
I vowed to accept her in all her misery as I accepted him then.
I started doing whatever I wanted to do, with no compromises. I gave myself everything I needed at the moment.
I letß give free rein to my feelings – sadness, contempt, tension, disgust, fear, anger, passion, lust. Everything.
And I didn't have a bad conscience.
At that moment, the wall slowly started to crumble.
As the fear of losing myself subsided, I was finally able to make peace with myself.
I was finally able to accept the woman I am, with or without the abuse. It didn't matter anymore.
I started to see my life as something precious and worth living. I allowed myself to continue.
More and more often I found parts of myself that didn't need glue. They just fit together perfectly.
Slowly but surely, I realized that I had created my own masterpiece. I had reinvented myself.
I realized I had to grow to make room for anything I could be.
My soul parts were never lost – they just had to be hidden from pain because they are so precious.
My own pain has shown me that I have the power to make it my strength.
In the end I realized that I am the alchemist of my soul.
