I've spent most of my life listening to your promises and empty words. I was hoping that this would be the moment when you would finally change. I was hoping you realized what an asshole you've been and that you wanted to do better.
And then I gave you one more chance, as always.
But of course nothing has changed. Those promises and fake meltdowns you had were bullshit. You did it every time you felt I was leaving. So to keep me and destroy me a little more you lied. You made me stay by giving me false hope and making me believe that you were starting a new chapter and starting over.
I can don't forgive me for being blinded by you. I can't forgive myself for waiting for you to change. I can't forgive myself for wasting my life with you, someone who didn't deserve me and never will.
You took everything I had You took my heart and soul and you tortured them. You wanted someone by your side, someone in your image, someone who suited you. I wasn't that person and you didn't want to admit it, so you tried to change me and eventually you did. You made me someone else, someone you wanted me to be.
At first I didn't understand what you did. I thought we would fight like any other couple. I thought we were two difficult personalities who had a hard time finding a compromise. But over time I realized it was all a lie.
I realized I was the only one trying. I watered a dead plant and hoped it would come back to life and it broke my heart into a million pieces. It was all your doing.
You broke me when you made me feel like the crazy one.You acted so innocently and you always managed to blame someone else, namely me. You did your best to convince me of things that weren't real, things that didn't happen. First I knew that everything you accused me of was not true. And every time I confronted you, you had such good excuses, such believable excuses. After a while I began to doubt myself. I started thinking that something was wrong with me. I believed your lies and I thought it was all in my head. I thought you were right. That's how you took my self esteem. After that you could do anything you wanted with me because I couldn't trust myself anymore.
You broke me when you started controlling me.You didn't respect me. You acted as if I were your property and no other human being. All my needs and feelings were ground to dust. But nothing mattered as long as you were happy. Bit by bit you have completely isolated me from everyone else. My world suddenly became yours. My identity was gone. I wasn't myself anymore because I became an insignificant part of you. You dragged me into your shadow because that was the only way to feed me your poisonous thoughts. That was the only way you could control me. You had to hide me from the world because you didn't want the world to open my eyes.
You broke me pretending to be you something you weren't.You were a top notch act. I had never seen so much talent for acting. In the beginning you were so perfect that I felt like I could fulfill my every wish. I had a feeling that you would make me the happiest woman. You moved mountains for me and you fulfilled my every wish. But that didn't last long. Slowly your acting got weaker, you started to break down because nobody can act that long. And then, finally, your mask came off and you showed me your true toxic self. You cheated, lied to and manipulated me. Not only did you do all these things to me, but you made me believe that you were the victim. You made me believe that I was abusing you with my reckless behavior and actions.
You broke me when you didn't respect my boundaries. You never respected me enough to take care of me. You never saw me as another human being, breathing and living by your side. You only saw me as a source to feed on, a source to build your toxic power from. We all have things we tolerate and things we despise. Well, you didn't let me do that either. You thought you had the right to decide what was right and what was wrong for me. Even when I fought it, you ignored it and continued to do things your way.
You broke me when you made me anxious. I was struggling with fear and I didn't know why. I felt like shit like I lost all control of myself and I didn't know why. I had this feeling of uneasiness and fear raging inside me, tearing me apart and I didn't know what was causing it until one day I finally opened my eyes. I realized what had been in front of me all along. I realized what was troubling me, but I didn't want to accept it. It was you all along, just you.
When I realized that I had completely lost control of myself and that I was no longer responsible for my life, I opened my eyes. I didn't care what would happen to me. I wasn't afraid of you anymore because I knew that anything was better than spending the rest of my life with you. That's how I escaped.
I became indifferent. I didn't care. I stopped fearing you.
When I woke up from the nightmare you put me in, when I finally saw what you were doing to me, I couldn't just walk away like that. It wasn't as easy as it seemed. The realization was only the first step to regain my life. I had a long road ahead of me. Actually, I still do.
I need to give myself some time to heal. I need to cry and I need to be angry. I need to let my heart heal on its own. I must feel like shit for letting someone control me like this. I need to pick up what's left of me and put it back together. I need to get through the times that are ahead of me.
I need to get my self-respect back. I need to understand that I am someone worthy of love. I have to convince myself that my voice counts and that my words don't disappear into thin air. I need to give myself another chance at life because I deserve it.
I need to start loving myself again. I was a beautiful person. I've had flaws like all of us, but those flaws don't represent who I am. I need to learn to appreciate and love the real me because that's the most beautiful part of me – what lies deep within me, my true self. I have to decide that I won't change because if someone doesn't like who I really am, then they aren't worthy of my love.
I have to forgive myself and myself love again because that's the only way I can ever love someone else again.
I have to forget you and give myself another chance to live.
