My brain has been in overdrive for the past few days. I can't even sleep in peace from all this excitement.
In my mind, I replay our every moment and analyze every conversation we've ever had. Pointless, I know.
But I just can't turn my thoughts off. Although most of the time I would love to.
All my thoughts revolve around the same question: “Why wasn't I good enough?” No matter how many times I repeat everything in my head, I just can't figure out where I went wrong because I was sure I did everything right .
It seemed so simple and easy. All the ingredients for a successful relationship were there. Everything should go right if there was love.
If only you had given everything. If you had just been yourself. If you had been brave.
If you had trusted the person you are with. If you were willing to compromise.
If you lived in the moment and did your best, it would have turned out fine in the end.
Somehow, it never worked. And I hate that. I hate that whatever I did, it just wasn't good enough.
I tried to be honest with myself and I accepted you for who you are. And let's be honest, you weren't exactly an easy person, but I still loved you.
There were times when you would have given me anything and times when you felt so bad about it withdrawn that it was impossible to get through to you. However, that didn't change my feelings and attitude towards you.
A happy moment with you would make up for any bad ones. It made me stronger. It made me try harder.
It made me want more and more moments like this. So I tried really hard.
I always tried to be the best version of myself. I've had a few bad days too. My feelings went crazy.
I was upset, angry, scared and insecure; all in all i was sad. In my eyes that was completely normal. It had to be like this.
That's life, things happen and you have to process them and deal with them as best you can.
You've had your bad days too. You had terrible days and I saw them as something inevitable, something I had to help you get through.
I always had your back When all things were against you, when the storm came upon your life, I stood by your side as firmly as I had on all those happy sunny days.
I was there to support you and believe in you even though you were almost never there for me.
I didn't keep a list , who was there for you more. I did my best. I gave everything, selflessly, without any expectations.
I was happy when I made you happy. Your smile was all I wanted in return for my troubles.
Maybe I should have made a list of the things I do got from you. Maybe that's where I screwed up.
I was concentrating on you, on your feelings, on making you happy, so that I completely neglected myself . I lost myself while loving you, I was dependent.
I firmly believe that's the only thing I did wrong.
Even you couldn't find a good reason to let me go when everything fell apart and you decided to end our relationship.
I hate it that you just left like that. Without a good explanation that would allow me to sleep soundly at night.
I hate that you gave up on us so easily. I hate that you make me feel like I wasted my time with you.
Like I wasted my time with a love that was only one sided, because me now understand that everything was me.
All the love in our relationship came from me and I couldn't love for both of us.
I hate that you make me feel worthless . I hate this feeling of hate inside me.
I hate that you are still my main thought during the day because it doesn’t really give me a breath of fresh air. I hope it will pass soon.
It hurts so much to share everything with someone and only get pain in return. But who would have thought that pain helps you learn.
Through this pain, I slowly realized that no matter what I did, good or bad, it would never have been enough.
Because doing everything right is useless if the person it's for is the wrong one.