My brain has been working overtime lately. I can't sleep with all the commotion up there. In my head I go through our every moment and analyze every conversation we've ever had. Useless, I know. But I just can't turn my mind off. Even if I really want to most of the time.
All my thoughts lead me to the same question: ‘Why wasn't I enough?’ No matter how many times I replay everything in my head, I just can't remember exactly when I made a mistake because I was so sure that I was doing everything right.
It seemed so easy. All the ingredients for a successful relationship were there. Everything should have been fine if there had been love. If you had given everything. If you had just been yourself. If you had been brave. If you trusted your partner. If you would have compromised. If you lived in the moment and did your best, it would have worked out in the end.
Somehow it didn't. And I hate that. I hate that no matter what I did, it just wasn't good enough.
I tried to be true to myself and accepted you for who you really were. And let’ To be honest, you weren't exactly easy, but I loved you just as much. You had moments when you gave me everything and others when you pulled away so far that I couldn't reach you. Still, my feelings and attitude towards you never changed.
One happy moment with you made up for all the bad ones. It made me stronger. Liß fight me harder. I wanted more and more of these moments. So I upped the ante. I've always tried to be the best version of myself.
I've had bad days too. My emotions went crazy. I became annoyed, angry, fearful and skeptical; I was sad. In my eyes it was all normal. I had to be like this. That's life, things happen and you have to deal with them the best you can.
You've had bad days too. You had terrible days and I saw them as inevitable, something I had to help you overcome.
I've always had your back. When fate played against you, when the storms raged in your life, I stood as strong as I did on all those happy sunshine days. I was there to support you and believe in you, even though you were almost never there for me.
I didn't pay attention to who anymore gave. I did my best. I gave everything, selflessly, expecting nothing in return. I was happy when I made you happy. Your smile was all I wanted in return.
Maybe I should have paid attention to what you gave me back. Maybe that was my fault. I focused on you, on your feelings, on making you happy, so that I neglected myself. I lost myself in my love for you.
I really think that was my only mistake. Even you couldn't find a good reason to let me go when all hell broke loose and you decided to end it. I hate that you left like this. With no explanation that would allow me to sleep peacefully.
I hate that you gave up on us so easily. I hate that you make me feel like I wasted my time with you. Like I wasted my time on a one sided love cause now I realize it was just me. All the love in our relationship came from me and I couldn't love for two.
I hate that I feel worthless. I hate this hate feeling inside me. I hate that you're not always my main thought 'cause I can't breathe properly like that. I hope it passes soon.
It hurts so much to share everything with someone and only get pain back. But who would have thought that pain helps to learn. And through that pain I'm slowly realizing that no matter what I did, right or wrong, it would never have been enough. Because doing everything right means nothing if the person you're doing it for is the wrong one.