Monika is a wonderful, successful and attractive young woman. Monika met Peter a few weeks ago.
Even on the first date it was clear that the chemistry between them was right. At the end of the evening Peter said he wanted to see her again. She wasted no time and accepted right away.
The second date was just as good as the first.
They discovered even more common interests, there wasn't a minute of radio silence, or rather, they didn't have enough time to tell each other everything, so that a third date was arranged for the next evening.
Monika waited and waited, but he didn't answer. Being a confident woman, she didn't want to just wait and called him. But no answer.
After a few days, Monika takes her smartphone that has been in her purse for a few hours and she can't believe it. 3 calls and a WhatsApp message from Peter.
He has a half-excuse, something about being busy, but he can't wait to see her again, preferably that same evening. Monika is standing there with a big question mark over her head.
At the same time, Karin and Andreas are walking a few blocks away. They meet an acquaintance of Andreas. He introduces Karin. This is Karen. Nothing more. Not my girlfriend Karinor my partner Karin. Just Karin.
It's slowly getting on her nerves. They've been together almost every night for 6 months now.
Sometimes they're at his or her apartment, sometimes they go out, they sleep over, they act like a couple but never said that they are a couple.
She tries to convince herself that how they feel and act together is much more important than what they call it. But she barely understands.
He has no problem holding her hand in public, but when she wanted to talk about vacation in a few months, he would get weird and end the conversation.
Too his Facebook profile says he's single. Karin wonders What kind of relationship is this?
Renate asked herself the same question last night. Manfred broke up with her again. She's not sure if it's the seventh or eighth time in 18 months. But she can guess what's next.
Every time the same scenario: he ends the relationship for some reason and two to three days later he calls. He's crying, he's suffering like no one before him, he can't imagine his life without her and every time she gives in.
Last night she said it was the last time. She doesn't go back to him. But didn't she say that when the relationship ended for the sixth time?
Or was it the seventh? She better sleep now, maybe he'll call tomorrow morning.
What connects all these couples? What do they have in common? The answer is easy: he knows; not what he wants!
Dear reader, maybe your name isn't Monika, Karin or Renate, but if you're reading this article, I'm sure it was you or you you're still in one of those situations. Or at least in a similar one.
You also have someone in your life that makes you ask yourself the question: What kind of relationship is this?
You also have a partner, with which one you are not sure if he is your partner in the full sense. You have someone in your life who doesn't know what they want.
Of course this situation is a problem for you and you want a solution. You want to know what you can do. Hand in hand we go through all your questions together. In this article you will learn:
? He knows not what he wants – Possible causes
• He knows not what he wants – What to do?
• He knows not what he wants – Is contact ban the solution to the problems?
He knows; not what he wants – Possible causes
Although we may not be aware of it, hardly anything we do comes without a cause and goes away without an effect. Every action, every behavior could be traced back to the moment that was pivotal.
If only we knew what those pivotal moments are that shape our future.
Some moments in our life are generally important for every human being. Also in this case, if someone doesn't know what they want, you can go back to some common causes.
Oh, if only we had known then what a big role each moment of our childhood could play in our adult life. It definitely wouldn't be a carefree childhood.
Every part of our personality is formed in childhood. When it comes to relationships, you have to go back to our first relationship, the parent-child relationship.
Children who have not experienced love and tenderness from their parents find it difficult to express it. They can have lifelong problems recognizing and showing their feelings.
A child who has lost one or both parents will continue to suffer from fear of loss as an adult.
A child raised in an unhappy marriage knows; I don’t know what a loving, harmonious relationship looks like and can also find it difficult to lead even later in life.
2. Bad experiences
Falling in love for the first time is beautiful. It is believed that nothing and no one can destroy our happiness. People think love is forever.
The second, third and every fall in love, you know; one already much better as it is in truth. You know there's a chance we'll break up and we'll suffer.
Not every breakup is the same. Some are easier to get over. Others stay with us forever.
If the lovesickness is too big; and lasts too long, we can lose our faith in love and happiness.
It can be particularly difficult when we are in the process of getting to know a potential partner . It's hard to believe we won't get hurt again. It's hard to believe that the new partner won't leave us.
A difficult breakup can completely destroy our confidence.
We then no longer see our own value and cannot understand that someone can see something good in us. It's a burden whose weight we only fully realize in the closest relationship.
3. Emotional chaos
Sometimes you don't have to look for the causes in the past. Sometimes the causes and the problems are there at the same time.
Sometimes we get to know someone and our feelings are so strong that we just don't know what we should or want to do. We are so to speak afraid of our own feelings and their strength.
Another problem can arise when we have feelings for several people at the same time. We can still have feelings for the ex but meet someone new who we like.
Or we can even get to know two (or more) people almost simultaneously and not know which of them we like the most, which one we want to give a chance.
He knows; not what he wants – What to do?
Unfortunately, it is not so easy that a cause leads to a specific relationship problem. Most of the time we have a mix of both causes and the way they manifest themselves.
By talking to your partner, you can find out which causes shape their relationships the most have.
Here I have the three most common types of relationship problems that arise when a man doesn't know what he wants.
If you recognize your partner in any of these examples and you have also learned what causes led to it, you are already halfway to a solution.
I will provide you with the other part of the solution here after each situation.
1. He knows not what he wants because he is afraid of commitment.
To make this easier to understand, let's go back to our examples from the beginning. Monika and Peter are a clear example of the fear of commitment. Peter has had no problem showing very strong feelings for her, but then he withdraws.
Fear of commitment doesn't necessarily mean you don't want a relationship, it means you do find it difficult to decide on a serious, long-term relationship. When you feel the feelings getting stronger, you withdraw.
Actually, fear of commitment usually means that you are afraid of being left and hurt. This fear usually comes from childhood or from a bad experience.
Maybe your partner has gone through a difficult breakup that he still hasn't come to terms with. Maybe his ex-girlfriend has had affairs, making it difficult for him to trust anyone again.
Open communication is very often the most important key to a successful relationship and it is the same in this case.
You have to show your partner that you are there for him. His confidence is probably gone, but you can rebuild it with some thoughtful compliments.
Giving him some time and space and backing off a bit is a good idea. But it's important to stay in touch with him all the time, so he knows that you're always there for him.
2. He knows not what they want because they really don't know;
When someone really doesn't know what they want, we're talking about emotional chaos. When emotions are chaotic, it means we have a lot of very strong feelings and we just don't know how to deal with them.
In this case, on-off relationships often occur , as we can see with Renate and Manfred.
One (but sometimes both) partner ends the relationship. After a short time he realizes he made a mistake. And he wants to make up.
He promises that this time will be better, he knows; now, he loves her, he's sure he wants this relationship. After a while the pattern repeats itself.
Such a relationship usually comes about because of fear. fear of being alone. The partner knows often that the relationship is not good for him, that he doesn’t want to be in that relationship, but at the same time he is afraid of being alone.
You can also get into this situation when you meet someone new when you're already in a relationship.
You end the previous relationship, but when you realize how much work you have to do in a new relationship, or that the new partner is not so perfect, one crawls back to the security of the “old” relationship.
Of course you can also try to work on the relationship here. But if a partner has already left us a few times, the chances of a happy relationship are minimal.
Someone who breaks up with every problem is definitely not our ideal partner.
My advice here is, if someone has broken up with you more than once, it's time to finally break up.
If you spend time with someone who isn't sure if they want to be with you or not, you're probably missing the chance to meet someone who's sure they want to be with you.
3. He knows what he wants, but doesn't want to admit it
That's how we come to Karin and Andreas. Andreas knows what he wants. He wants Karen. But only here and now. In a few months, he probably won't want Karin anymore. Maybe yes. But he doesn't have to decide that now.
Some people just don't believe they were made for a committed relationship. Mostly it comes from bad experiences in a previous relationship. But even if you didn't learn to trust people as a child.
You feel restricted in a stable relationship. They also often believe that the partner influences their life too much and wants to take over in the end.
As a rule, it is mostly men who are in favor of an open, unofficial relationship.
And since it is believed that women are only ever looking for their true love (of course we are not always), men do not dare to tell a woman I like you, but I mö I don't want a permanent relationship.
They prefer to lie, find some excuse or say nothing at all.
The women then find each other in an undesirable situation, where you don't know what you actually mean to your partner or where you stand with your relationship or not.
If you think your partner doesn't want a committed relationship, the first thing you need to think about is whether you're okay with such a relationship. If the answer is yes, then enjoyß just the time together, no matter what the next day brings.
However, if you are not happy in such a relationship, you have a few options. Each of them comes with its own risk.
You can just move on and hope your partner realizes how wonderful you are and changes their mind.
Or you can seek a conversation with them, an explanation and a decision Craving. Be ready that he might break up.
But a clean break is better than a relationship you forced someone into, right? And of course there is always the option that you thank you for the good time and say goodbye.
He knows not what he wants – Is social distancing the solution to the problems?
Something to try in every case we have mentioned is to implement social distancing.
By breaking contact, you can get your partner to recognize his own feelings and learn how to deal with them.
You definitely have to be careful, namely the contact ban can end in two ways.
The partner can realize how miserable he feels without us. How empty his life is without us. He can see that he really loves us and doesn't want to be without us anymore.
The other possibility is that the partner realizes that his life without us isn't as bad as he is maybe thought.
He can tell he likes his new freedom more than us. Even then we have someone who finally knows what he wants, but unfortunately he no longer wants to be our partner.
While the risk is great, I believe it's better to be alone than with someone who doesn't know what they want.
Imagine we have the data of everyone in the world. We put into a program what qualities we want in our dream man or woman and the program finds the perfect person for us.
We find that person, we fall in love and we live happily happy together.
Unfortunately, love doesn't work that way. Falling in love is a gamble. Sometimes we win, sometimes not. Sometimes we're not sure if we've won.
Not every time we will know right away if we like someone or not. We can't expect our partner to know what they want right away.
But if we've been in a relationship for a while, we know what we want and if we still want that We feel uncomfortable when our partner doesn’t know what they want.
Through a conversation we can work on the relationship or even by blocking contact we can try to come to a solution.
But we have to know that ending a relationship can also be the solution. The important thing to remember is that an ending isn't the worst.
Without an ending there is no new beginning. Maybe next time it's someone who knows what they want.