When you hear the words “abuse” and " sacrifice ” hear it, one automatically associates it with physical violence.
One immediately imagines someone with bruises on their face, scars, open wounds and blood all over their body.
Well, I am different and there are many like me. When you see me you will not see spots or any other visible signs of abuse.
Nevertheless, I was a victim. My scars may not be visible, but they exist.
My wounds and bruises are hidden under my skin. They are all over my heart and soul. I have internal bleeding which is no less painful.
For the first time in my life I can say these painful words loud and clear: I am a victim of abuse.
My ex has never actually raised a hand against me, he has never been physically violent, but he has emotionally abused me – and that doesn't lessen my agony.
While I don't mean to downplay anyone's suffering, there is this issue of emotional and psychological abuse that all abusers are well aware of:
Only when people see physical evidence of everything you've been through will they see you as a real victim.
In addition, you will only admit to the abuse after a long time. Trust me, I've been through it all.
When my ex first started insulting and swearing at me, he also convinced me that none of it was that bad.
It's only abuse when he hits you, isn't it?
Over time, I slowly started to believe him. I thought I was always exaggerating.
Then, when gaslighting started, I began to question my own sanity instead of realizing what kind of beast in disguise I was dealing with.
He letß believing I was misinterpreting everything and I thought I was imagining it all instead of realizing how skillfully he was really playing with my mind all the time.
Als he belittled me, I didn't see that as devaluation. When he told me I was no good, I believed him and accepted the notion that I was no good.
It's not abuse if he doesn't hit you, is it?
I know what you're probably thinking right now. You might not want to say it outright, but you can't help but wonder why I didn't just walk away.
No, I wasn't dependent on him financially and we had no children either. To be honest, I could have stayed somewhere.
But he had made me emotionally dependent on our relationship.
He had made me crave his approval and convinced me that I was unlovable. right.
He used emotional blackmail to get me to stay with him. He convinced me that I was completely incompetent and unable to go through life without his help.
Every time I wanted to leave him or dared to accuse him of abuse, I was told that I was searching too much.
Even when I confided in my closest family members, they could take it seriously didn't understand the situation.
In fact, everyone said I was overly sensitive. Instead of advising me to talk to him about his behavior, I was told that I needed to be tough and grow up.
No one saw me as a victim and it took time Years before I could admit the abuse.
It took me years to realize that I wasn't overly emotional, that this whole mess wasn't my fault because I always take things too personally.
It took me years to finally realize that I was dating a narcissist who was ruining my life and mental health.
It took me years to realize that I wasn't weak because I felt like a victim, because – as you see – I've been a victim the whole time.
You know, leaving your tormentor is actually the easiest step. The hardest part is opening your eyes and finding the strength to face the horrible truth.
And as for the rest of the world, all I can say is that I don't give a damn what anyone might think.
No, I'm not looking for pity. I don’t want to be perceived as a victim because I am much more than that.
I no longer expect recognition. After all, no one has walked in my shoes, and no one has defeated my demons but me.
Nevertheless, I hope that one day the hell I went through will be gone , will acknowledge.
I hope that this pain will stop being downplayed and that emotional abuse will finally be classified for what it really is.< /p>