1. Scared. I was scared for my life. Everywhere I went I was paranoid, he was chasing me. I looked through the windows and hid behind the trees. I was afraid he would come back.
2. As if I would never be the same again. My emotional pain became real. My chest hurt, my heart didn't beat. It hurt me physically. I couldn't go up stairs. I ran out of air. His abuse made me physically ill.
3. My self-esteem was destroyed.It didn't exist. I was so insecure, I was afraid of everything and I listened to everyone but myself. I resented that he had broken me. I couldn't trust myself for a long time.
4. I lost my dignity and myself. I had to find my way back to the life I once knew, but the path was blurry. I saw him in the distance but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't reach him.
5. I had nightmares,that seemed like a cruel and harsh reality. I woke up in the middle of the night screaming his name and begging him to stop. I cried in my sleep because of the things he did to me. My dreams became a projection of the fear I lived with – that he might come back.
6. I was vulnerable Everything bothered me. I couldn't hold back my tears for the smallest little thing that happened. It seemed unbearable then. It seemed like it would never go away because my heart and soul could not endure any more troubles and pains. I was like a delicate flower at the mercy of a cold winter wind – only one blow could tear me apart.
7. Every person I met was a potential threat. Not only could I no longer trust myself, I couldn't trust others either.I kicked some good people out of my life because I wasn't ready to let anyone into my life. Life seemed too hard and crappy back then and every person I met was a part of it. That's how I saw it.
8. I tried to hide the pain and the contempt, the anger and the rage that was getting bigger and bigger every day. I tried to be normal. I was trying to be happy.So I put on a fake smile,but my eyes told the real story. My eyes contained the truth.
9. I didn't know what happiness felt like. It's been a long time since I've laughed sincerely. It's been a long time since I was really myself.
10. I became cautious. I couldn’t let anyone come near me and hit me on the ground. He broke me and took me to rock bottom. It brought me into complete darkness and now that I had finally seen the light, just a glimpse of hope, I didn't want to let anyone jeopardize it. I built walls that no one could break down.
11. I couldn't get up. I did not want that. I felt safe there, away from everyone. I blocked people who love me and fear became my best friend. We were together all the time. Just one step away from an emotionally overwhelming state. Fear held me captive for a long time.
12. The people who loved me stayed anyway. You didn't turn your back on me. I turned her down because I wanted to be alone. They knew I needed some time and they never left. They knew I couldn't get over it that easily. They got bored with me, they gave me time.
13. I felt judged. I could feel people looking over my shoulder and talking softly about my life. I felt guilty for taking time to heal like I did something wrong. I was fed up with people who had absolutely no idea who I was dealing with.
14. I needed someone who could tell me it was all over. I needed reassurance. I needed someone who could tell me nothing bad was going to happen. I needed to know that I'm safe from now on.
15. I apologized for every little thing. I felt like everything that was happening around me was my fault, so I immediately said “sorry,” even though I didn't have to. I was used to taking the blame to avoid the emotional abuse, to stop the fuss and to calm him down. It was always my fault because if I said otherwise I would end up paying for it.
16. I felt like I needed someone to keep their promises for a change. I was fed up with lies and disappointments. If someone lies to me, I'd rather let them go.
17. I will need time to feel love again. I know not when it will happen. Maybe tomorrow, maybe the day after, maybe next year.